Deciding when to initiate a conversation about memory loss or dementia with a parent who’s exhibiting signs of cognitive impairment isn’t easy. Your family’s situation is unique, so there’s no “standard” indicator of when the conversation should occur.
If your parent has received a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease or another type of dementia, you may already have spoken with the doctor who provided the diagnosis. If you haven’t done this yet, then asking for advice from the diagnosing physician or your parent’s primary care physician about the timing of the conversation or conversations with your parent (there will likely be many such talks) can be a good starting point.
Maybe your parent’s memory issues haven’t seemed problematic enough to involve a neurologist or other specialist who can diagnose dementia — perhaps you’re planning ahead for the day you might need to have this talk with your parent.
In any case, the general consensus among medical professionals and other dementia experts is that having the conversation early, while your parent can still participate in the decision-making process (or at least communicate his or her preferences), is better than putting it off until later.
Although it won’t be an easy conversation to have, knowing how to talk to a parent about dementia can help it go more smoothly.
Steps to Take Before You Have the Conversation
Whether you’ll be talking about your parent’s memory loss in general or you’re at the point of discussing a potential move for your parent, decide who should participate in the conversation.
If you have siblings or other family members who will take part in decisions about your parent’s care, talk with them first, before sitting down to talk with your parent. Give everyone a chance to express their concerns and opinions, and then try to get everyone in agreement about the best plan for your loved one.
You might not want to have everyone present during the conversation with your parent, as that may seem overwhelming. On the other hand, if you can assure your parent that the entire family is supportive, this can go a long way toward helping your mother or father ease into the reality that additional care may be necessary now or in the future.
If you expect your loved one to resist the possibility of needing professional assistance, whether from a hired caregiver in the home or in a memory care community, this is another reason to talk with your parent’s doctor ahead of time. You’ll be able to let your loved one know the doctor believes it’s the best choice for their safety and well-being.
Is Your Parent’s Safety at Risk?
Depending on how far your parent’s memory loss or dementia has progressed, you may have already decided it’s time to explore a safer environment for your loved one. In this case, it’s best for you or other family members to see what options are available.
For older adults in the early stages of dementia, an assisted living community may be able to provide appropriate care for a period of time. For those whose disease has progressed to the mid or later stages, a memory care community is more likely the right choice.
Either way, it will be helpful to have information in hand before having the conversation with your parent. Make a list of communities you think would be a good fit for your loved one (read more about that below) and visit a few of them virtually or in person.
When possible, include your parent in decisions about where he or she will live. After all, we all want to have some say in such important matters. But if your loved one has difficulty making even routine decisions or becomes easily frustrated or overwhelmed when offered choices, it may be up to you to make the decision for them.
Planning the Talk
Along with deciding who will take part in the conversation, here are three important points to consider:
- Where to talk. It’s best to have the conversation in a place where your parent feels comfortable, where there’s privacy and few distractions. This likely means having it in your parent’s home, if you can.
- The best time of day to talk. Many older adults, including those with dementia, find it easier to process new information, express themselves and use their best judgment earlier in the day.
- Talking in person. This is an important conversation about decisions that will affect your whole family. If multiple family members will be engaging in the discussion, it’s not necessary for everyone to be there in person (that may put too much pressure on your parent and make them feel defensive), but it will comfort your loved one to have a trusted, compassionate family member by their side.
Specific Tips on How to Talk to a Parent With Dementia
Having a conversation with a loved one who is experiencing an early stage of dementia is vastly different from talking with a parent with Alzheimer’s whose disease has progressed to the point of needing professional care.
Maybe you’ve been asking yourself, “Should I tell my mother she has dementia?” (Physicians often leave that discussion up to family members instead of directly informing the patients of such diagnoses.)
Like so many other answers to questions like this, much depends on your family’s unique situation. It’s natural for families to worry about the potentially negative effects that divulging such information will have on their loved one. Conversely, withholding the information could eventually cause your parent to feel distrustful, and possibly even paranoid.
Ultimately, you will need to assess your loved one’s likely reaction and then decide when and how to talk to your parent about dementia. Bear in mind that your loved one may already be aware that something isn’t quite right. They may be relieved to know about their dementia diagnosis — especially if you can provide some positive solutions for moving forward.
Consider these recommended tips when talking with a parent about memory loss or dementia:
- Be patient. Show your parent that you are actively listening and want to understand their thoughts and feelings. It may take them a while to communicate what they want to say, so try not to interrupt. Encourage them to continue speaking. If your loved one can’t think of a word they’re trying to say, it may help to offer a guess, but first give them time to get there on their own. The key is to avoid unnecessary frustration.
- Don’t argue or criticize. If your parent says something you disagree with, arguing with them probably won’t be productive. Nor will criticizing what they’ve said or correcting them. Instead, see if you can figure out what caused them to say what they did and respond to that. For instance, are they afraid? Put yourself in their shoes, if you can, and see how the situation looks from their perspective.
- Speak slowly, clearly and gently. People with dementia need more time to process information and form responses. Keep the conversation as simple as you can, using short sentences and plain language. Ask a question and then wait for them to reply. Be mindful of your tone, keeping it relaxed. If it seems that your parent hasn’t understood something you’ve asked, try asking again but in a simpler way.When possible, frame what you say as a positive instead of a negative. For example, rather than telling your parent, “Don’t do that,” offer an alternative. Realize that the dementia may cause your loved one to interpret what you say very literally.
- Reassure and comfort them. Let your parent know that they are not facing the future alone, that you and the rest of the family are there for support. This is a challenging time for your mother or father, so be kind. Reassure them that their safety and quality of life is a priority.
Comparing Memory Care Communities
As you begin looking at options for your parent’s future, you’ll want to make a checklist of what’s most important for a memory care community to have in order for your mother or father to be comfortable and safe.
There are considerable differences among memory care communities, but a basic checklist should include these features:
- A supportive, comprehensively trained staff
- Nutritious meals and snacks, with the option to accommodate special diets
- A secure environment designed to help residents navigate their own way and maintain some measure of independence
- A variety of activities and programs developed specifically for people with dementia to encourage mental stimulation and socialization
When contemplating how to tell mom she’s moving to memory care, be aware that the main concern most older adults have is the fear of abandonment. Reassure your loved one that you and other family members will continue to be there for them.
Although there’s no perfect answer for how to convince someone with dementia to move, you can focus on the positive aspects. Your loved one will have the help they need around the clock. They’ll be safe. And chances are they’ll be much more content.
To learn more about the new paradigm of memory care coming to Encino when The Vered opens later this year, call 818.450.3120 and schedule a visit with a team member at our Discovery Center.
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