Have you noticed that your mother or father is finding it more challenging to keep up with everyday tasks, such as cleaning the house, preparing meals, balancing the checkbook or taking care of themselves? If so, you may have already searched for information on how to talk to aging parents about their future.
While quite a lot has been written on the topic of how to talk to a parent about assisted living, how you and your family approach the conversation will depend on circumstances that are unique to your particular situation.
Although it may feel awkward for both you and your parent to talk about planning for what may lie ahead, being prepared for the discussion can make it go more smoothly for everyone involved. The following suggestions are based on common sense and can be helpful for nearly everyone who will need to have this discussion.
Begin the conversations sooner rather than later.
Unless there’s an immediate need to address your parent’s living situation, bring up the subject of future living arrangements well ahead of when you think your mother or father will need assistance with day-to-day needs.
This way, you can explore the available options gradually, without the added pressure in the aftermath of a medical emergency or an incident that compromises your parent’s safety.
The very nature of the topic will bring emotions to the surface, but initiating your conversations while your parent is in good health and still capable of living independently will help you both maintain a more objective perspective.
Your parent may push back and tell you there’s no need to talk about it yet. In fact, that’s likely. One way to respond is to let your mother or father know that you want to avoid having to make decisions about their future at a time when they may not be able to participate in the decision-making process.
Getting them to see that they will have more control over their future by having these conversations now, instead of waiting until it’s too late, may help them be more open to the discussions.
You can anticipate talking about assisted living more than once — even if you need to make a decision relatively quickly. Ideally, you can work through the process over a period of many months, if not years. Circumstances can change, though, and you may find that the time frame has to be shortened.
Involve the whole family, if possible.
If you’ll be talking with both parents, broaching the subject of their future needs will be much easier if they’ve already had some of those conversations with each other.
Even if they haven’t yet talked about their future plans, looking into the available options and making decisions can be less stressful if they have each other for support. Thoughts of leaving familiar surroundings and starting over in a new community can be especially unsettling for older adults who face making the transition alone.
If you have siblings, it’s a good idea to involve them in the discussions, as well as other family members who may have valuable input. At some point, if your parents aren’t receptive, you might want to include one or more of their close friends and possibly a medical professional who’s familiar with the situation.
Be careful, though, not to overwhelm your parents. You don’t want them to feel as though everyone is “ganging up” on them, trying to force them into doing something they’re not ready to do. This could cause them to become defensive and shut down the conversation.
If possible, try to make sure the rest of the family is in agreement before bringing your parents into the discussion. When you do involve your parents, try to make sure that at least one or two family members are with them in person. If that’s not doable, consider having a video call.
Before you talk, be organized and informed.
Along with the decision about moving your parents into an assisted living community, many other important decisions must be made, including legal and financial decisions. As you begin to look into some of these matters, it will be helpful to keep a list of everything you want to discuss.
It may help you to start by searching online for a checklist for talking to aging parents. You can use the checklist as a foundation and add to it as other items for discussion come to mind.
While there could be some overlap with regard to these decisions, try not to bring them all up at once when talking with your parents. Prioritize, depending on which decisions need to be made most urgently or which ones you think will be least stressful for your parents to manage.
Having a checklist can also help you “divide and conquer” the task of researching information you and your family will need to make informed choices. It can also help everyone decide who will be responsible for future caregiving responsibilities.
Look into local options for assisted living.
Finding assisted living for a parent can be time-consuming, as not all assisted living communities are alike.
Some are stand-alone communities that only offer assisted living. Others offer additional levels of care, such as memory care or skilled nursing. Still others offer independent living for seniors who don’t require any assistance but appreciate knowing it’s readily available if they do.
Communities that provide more than one level of care can be a good choice for older couples. They may be able to stay together even if their needs diverge — for instance, if one spouse begins experiencing declines in cognition.
In addition, services and amenities can vary substantially among assisted living communities. So can staff qualifications and the overall feel of the community.
You can start exploring potential communities for your parents online, whether they’ll be staying near their current home or relocating to a new area. It’s relatively simple to compare communities and pare down the options by gathering information from the communities’ websites.
Think about how early you want to involve your parents in this process. You might want to select a few communities and visit them together, in person or virtually. Either way, it can help your parents see that today’s assisted living communities are nothing like the nursing homes of half a century ago, which is what they might envision when you begin talking with them.
Telling them about the many benefits of assisted living can go a long way toward quelling their concerns. Focusing on the positive — such as the social aspects — may shift their perspective and prevent them from dwelling on what they’re leaving behind.
Moving parents into assisted living can present a different set of challenges. If you find a community you like, though, the staff should be able to provide helpful recommendations on how to get parents into assisted living. Some communities work with businesses that can make the transition extremely smooth.
Express your concerns — and listen to theirs, too.
When considering how to talk to elderly parents about moving, the tone of the conversations can be as important as the timing.
Occasionally, adult children center their attention on how to get a parent into assisted living without stopping to consider if that’s truly the best choice for their parent.
Bear in mind that relinquishing even a little independence can be demoralizing. It’s why many older adults continue to drive even though they realize they’re jeopardizing their safety.
As you think about how to begin your conversations, try to imagine yourself in your parents’ situation. Unless severe cognitive decline or dementia is a factor, ultimately, decisions about their future should be theirs to make.
Perhaps the best approach is to think of it as a partnership. Let them know that you’re concerned about their welfare and their quality of life as they get older. Tell them about anything you’ve observed that might be troubling you. They may not be fully aware of changes you’ve noticed.
While you’re talking, be sure to listen to — and really hear — their concerns. Rather than offering advice, give them options. Reassure them that you aren’t trying to usurp their control.
Be patient, empathetic and, most of all, respectful.
How You Can Learn More About Assisted Living at The Vered
Our team is available to talk with you about The Vered and its beautiful, spacious new assisted living and memory care residences coming to Encino this fall.
For more information, we invite you to schedule a visit to the Discovery Center. Call 818.450.3120 to arrange a time that’s convenient for you.
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